By Heart

By Heart
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I had my first crush when I was eleven years old, I remember how his eyes seem to lock in my gaze, that look penetrating into my soul. He has this gentle gait as he strides forward that I’d recognize out of the corner of my eyes even from a distance, it would be him, the shape of his face, length of his  sideburns and hair just above his neck. My heart would start beating faster and faster, then excitement as he gets closer, then freeze. I tried to hide my feelings to avoid being the butt of joke and I know “a crush is a temporary feeling” as I use to copy its definition in a scrapbook. However, a big pimple on my right cheek gave me away and there was no way to hide my feelings. So when everybody started teasing me, my secret was finally out, my feelings for this guy flop like bubbles in the air. It was exciting while it was a secret, but the excitement is lost once the magical feeling is gone especially when I became the subject of taunting. Nevertheless, I was equally intrigued how these people around me knew what I felt inside all those time. It was a big relief when we moved out I was so grateful to be free from teasing. But for me it was an awareness of wonderful feelings inside of me how a presence of one person could make my heart jump with excitement and joy turning me into another being different from what i used to be.

Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near.

When I heard this song, it explained my unexplained feelings, it spoke of why I feel what I feel, it showed me that what happened were logical. I remember how i would get more scolding when much younger because I insist on expressing my case on why i shouldn’t be scolded, where obedience is expected and equated with silence. That was me always looking for the why. Then the realization about my heart and its emotions, happiness, excitement, joy, sadness, shame. That those wonderful feelings could be replicated when listening to a song.

you see this guy, this guy’s in love with you

its lyrics teases and tickles me in a light playful way, it makes me light on my feet, my arms spread like a bird, body swaying, hips swinging, my heart’s jumping with joy, emotions I never knew existed and was capable of.

Say you’re in love, in love with this guy, if not I’ll just die.

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